If I Say No

This morning after I took a shower, I was sitting in my bed with the towel still wrapped around me. He comes into my room carrying his laptop. He sits down on my bed next to me, and sets his laptop down. He then pulls out his private part and starts stroking it. 

I’m thinking, “is he really thinking I am going to have s** with him”? And “that really isn’t the way to get a girl turned on”. 

He is trying to have s** with me. I try again to explain to him why I don’t have s** with him. I’ve tried to explain it more times than I can count. I have no s** drive at all. And it is because of the way he treats me and the things he says to me. But he insists that is not the reason. He fully believes I don’t have s** with him because I am having s** with other men. I absolutely am not.

After I tell him, respectfully, that I do not want to have s**, he took it well. But that has happened quite a bit lately, and I am not fooled. At least he isn’t instantly going into a rage and calling me names and breaking my things anymore. 

After a couple of hours past, I hear him yelling in his room. He was yelling about how disgusting something is. So I asked him what happened. I shouldn’t have asked. He, of course, started accusing me of having s** with someone yesterday. 

So I ignore it and walk away. I really don’t know what to do when he starts accusing me anymore. I just want to hide in a closet or anywhere that he won’t find me because I know the name calling and the withholding the things I need is going to start and go on for hours. 

I needed to go to the store. He had a truck and a motorcycle. I don’t have a vehicle. He said I could ride on the back of his motorcycle to the store. He knows I was in a motorcycle accident when I was a child, riding on the back of a bike with my uncle. So I do not ride on them anymore. 

He told me I can walk because he isn’t letting me take HIS truck. He insists that when I took it to the laundromat yesterday, I had sex with someone in it. And then he asked me if I got paid by the man I had sex with yesterday!! WHAT???

I Get a Clean Bed to Sleep In

I guess this blog I started is turning out to be more of a journal for me. A place for me to write about my day and feel safe doing so. I was able to make a sale online this morning. I used the money to do 1 load of laundry at the laundromat and get cat food. I still don’t have clean clothes but at least I have clean bedding to sleep on tonight. I actually got to sleep last night without him waking me up. Even though I was still sleeping on a shower curtain with no blanket or pillowcases. 

This morning he was in a somewhat okay mood. But then he saw that my mattress was scooted over just a little bit and instantly went into an episode. He tells himself that the bed is moved because I had sex on it. I left the voice recorder going on my phone all night while I slept. 

He won’t listen to it because it will prove to him that I wasn’t having sex with anyone, and that would prove him wrong. 

I decided to add a few texts messages from him to me over the past few years, since his delusions started. This is only a few, there are hundreds, if not thousands more. 

I Can’t See What He Sees

 A few months ago he sent me this picture over texts asking me who the guy and the girl in pigtails are. He insists they are people that were at my sex party. Is it even possible to have a sex party in a motorhome? I don’t see anything that even looks like a real person in this picture. 

He took the photo at night through the windshield of my motorhome  

It’s Another Bad Day

 He kept me up all night. Every hour or so he would come to my room and wake me up asking me what that noise was. My answer was the same every time, “I was asleep so I didn’t hear anything”. He was certain that every time I supposedly heard something, that it was me having s** with someone. 

He didn’t have any money, so he spent all of the money I had made from selling toys online. Now he has gotten his paycheck but I have nothing. I am literally using a shower curtain for a sheet and I don’t have a blanket. Because my bedding, along with all of my clothes are dirty. He refuses to give me any money to go to the laundromat. He says it’s because after him waking me up multiple times last night, accusing me of cheating, I said no to him when he wanted sex from me this morning. 

This is my daily life with him

Introduction

I am starting this blog as a place for me to vent. I have been going through this for so long now. The amount of abuse I take from my now ex-husband on a daily basis is more than I ever thought anyone could take. Our son (22) ignores it and our daughter (19) thinks her dad is going to kill me one day. 

Even though we are now divorced, we are still living together. Because I don’t have a way out. He keeps his money to himself and spends any money I happen to get by selling things online. 

He has very bad and very frequent delusions about me cheating. He constantly sees and hears things that aren’t really there. He secretly video records me constantly. And spends hours going over each video again and again until he “finds” what he is looking for, which isn’t really there. 

He insists that the guys I am cheating with write things all over the walls in our home about him and about having s** with me. He also insists that I write on the food that I make him and that I fold words into towels, tissue, paper towels, cleaning rags, anything and everything, that say things about me having s** with other men. 

He calls me names like w***e, s***, & c** bucket on a daily basis. I can’t even sleep at night without him waking me up by screaming how much of a w***e I am or that he knows I am having s** with someone and he will kick in my bedroom door. 

It isn’t just one or two guys that he accuses me of cheating with. It is literally every single guy we have known, know now, every male we meet, and also people he sees on the people you may know section of his fb account. 

He has sent messages to people’s wives telling them that their husband is cheating with me. He has went to a different town in the middle of the night and taken pictures of a family’s house and license plates on their cars. 

I got away for a little while and was living in a motorhome. He followed me everywhere I went. I couldn’t hide. One night he was watching my motorhome while I was sleeping. I didn’t know he was out there. Until I heard a gun shot. He later told me he was on his way to come kill whoever I was with (nobody but my dog) and then kill himself. But ended up accidentally shooting himself in the leg with his shot gun. And while he was in the hospital and I was there with him the whole time, he accused me of sleeping with one of the student nurses, who he insisted was not really a nursing student but was pretending to be so he could mess with him, and a security guard at the hospital. 

We both took lie detector tests. He paid for them. I passed and he failed. But he insists it was because the guy who gave us the tests wanted more money. 

There is so much more to the story, if you can believe that. And I will be writing more as I go. My hope doing this, is that I can vent, I can keep records of what he is doing to me, and I can find a way to get away. I need to find my strength. I am going to be posting what happened tonight before I go to sleep, if he will actually let me sleep tonight.